I do not believe in yelling. I recently saw no benefit in it and viewed it as a loss of self-control that only causes damage and does not repair anything. Well, my stress level has been a bit high recently coupled with the go go go of the summer and I guess you could say that I have recently “lost it”. Ironically, there was a lot of healing associated with this verbal spew of my emotions. Note the definition of spew according to the Oxford dictionary is to expel large quantities of (something) rapidly and forcibly. Yep, that pretty much covers what happened and at that moment, the truth was revealed. I let go of my censored words and allowed my heart open up and boy did I learn a lot about myself.
Over the last year, my thyroid has been incredibly underactive. Now, the thyroid is the communication area of the body metaphysically. Not surprising that I have been holding back my words and expression. I pride myself on not getting upset, trying to keep peace and find peace in every situation. Over this last year, I have worked to find my voice, know my wants, and go after them. I’m doing a lot better now and the past few weeks have really been the icing on the cake to open my eyes to what I still need to work on….self-expression so the anger and frustration inside of me doesn’t just boil up. I think of the song “I’m a little teapot” short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout, when I get all steamed up, hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out. Sometimes we reach that tipping point and we just need to let it pour out and the truth of how we really feel is finally revealed. Once we know the truth, then we can find the solution.
As I meditated this morning I said this prayer:
I sit here and ground myself feeling my presence here in this room feeling your presence here with me replacing all the negativity and all the stress that has been inhabiting my body over the last few weeks and the last couple of months. I ask for your guidance now on why I’ve allowed this distress to build up in my body and why in the last couple weeks I have verbally exploded three times to three different people in three different events. I’m not quite sure if it’s just because my stress has risen or if I’m tired of always censoring the words that I say and thinking so much of how I phrase words as to not offend anyone or if this is what’s really inside of me and this anger just needs to find a way out. Could I be tired of not speaking my voice and not having a voice and not having an opinion not feeling that my opinion is one that matters? I’m tired of the injustices that I’ve seen in the world, tired of the injustice in my own house and my own body. I feel the need that these feelings have to be expressed. They have to come out to allow our true essence to be expressed or we constantly feel repressed. So I ask you dear Lord to continue to guide me in my words to guide me and my ways to honor myself and to continue to seek the truth within me. 3 months ago you brought to me the Kundalini Yoga class which focuses on finding the truth. 2 years ago you inspired me to write The Voyage to heal which once again helps to seek the truth and in doing so you find peace in your body. Just recently you led me to a friend who recommended a book that will help me further understand myself and the truth of me and I realize that is what my purpose is at this moment in my life is to seek the truth and to communicate it to know me and to be me and for that I am grateful. Thank you dear Lord for this moment to ground myself and to be present here in this moment to see my truth so I can be my truth.